Based on this set up:
"I killed you, I know I did, how are you here?" "It's heaven, not a prison, I just left, apparently, no one has tried that before"
“You? You went to Heaven?”
I nodded. “Yeah. And what?”
“But you’re a hitman!”
“Well, I would be careful about reminding me of that, given that the very fact you're breathing suggests that I still have one last job outstanding. Plus, you know, I’m able to come back from the dead!”
Vinny The Vig was a loan shark through and through. I saw him calculating the odds. Low chance I’m telling the truth, much higher chance I’d gone crazy, fair chance he himself had gone crazy. I felt for the guy. I’d had a few years in the time-shifted world of Heaven to come to terms with it. He’d just seen me with my head blown off, like an hour ago.
He settled on a nod and some clarification. “Well, what I meant was, I would have thought your…previous profession would not have gone well with the big guy upstairs?”
“Oh, yeah. I was surprised about that too, but she was really chill actually. You don’t get to the very pinnacle of creation without burying a few skeletons along the way. Apparently, we misunderstood the commandment. It is Thou Shalt not Kill. Murder is fine. Assassination is fine. Just don’t kill for no reason. It’s chaotic. And chaos is very much the other sides line. She is all for order and control, and sometimes that means dropping a body.”
“She?”
I shrugged. “She said she was trying it out, and I’m not about to argue”.
Vinny weighed that up.
“I’m really not here to hurt you, dude”, I continued and gave him a twirl with my jacket held open.
Vinny visibly relaxed. His hand was still under the table though.
“Vinny”, I said. “Please let go of the hidden gun there. You already shot me with it once today remember? The element of surprise has gone a bit.”
Vinny held both hands up in mock surrender with a smile. He’d obviously decided that whoever was crazy here it was more fun just to go along with it. “So what do you want then?”, he asked.
I indicated the leather chair in front of Vinnie's desk with a raised eyebrow.
“Mi casa, your casa”, said Vinny and I took a seat. The leather felt rough despite its high quality. I supposed I would have to get back used to Earth quality after all that time in Heaven. It had felt a lot nicer the last time I’d sat in it, an hour and 7 years ago. Or it had right up until Vinny put a .45 ACP in my forehead.
“Chair seems clean?”, I said, unable to find a spot of blood, despite the acrid tang still on the edge of my taste in the air.
Vinny nodded and folded his hands in front of him. “Different chair. I have spares in case of…accidents. It happens a lot more that you’d think. Now, what can I help you with?”
I stared at the decanter of whiskey on the desk next to Vinnies folded meathook hands. He noticed and started to pour a couple of measures out for us.
“I’m afraid”, I said, “that it’s something as grubby as money. My body is still going to get found, I’m still dead, despite how good I look. I don’t want to grub around on the edge of society. I want to enjoy my holiday.”
Vinny handed me a glass and contemplated the amber liquid in his own, as he swirled it briefly.
“Holiday? You just visiting?”
“Yeah, well no offence to this fine whiskey and lovely un-bloodstained chair, but Heaven is pretty good thanks. I’ve just got a few loose ends to tie up. Few places to see. I’ve grabbed what I can from my stash, but what I want from you is the bounty I would have got if I’d killed you. I think it’s a fair trade for not raining righteous fury down on you.”
The loan shark drained his glass, looking angry. Giving out money was his business, but not if the person he was giving it to already had an escape route in place, and there was no way to claim the vigorish he was named for.
He shook his head. “Nope. Maybe I just kill you again.”
I took a sip of my drink, savouring the burn as it went down. “Sure. You could try that. But I am the undead. I’m not sure how that will go for you. It’s not much money to you anyway. Wouldn’t you rather just be rid of me?”
“I got a better suggestion”, he replied. “How about you come work for me?”
I shook my head. “I’m not risking my golden ticket. God is a chill chick, but if you break her rules, you are bang in trouble.”
He rubbed the back of his neck as he thought. “OK. One job. It’s an easy one. You don’t have to hurt anyone.”
“Go on.”
“You tell me who hired you to kill me.”
“No idea”, I said unconvincingly.
Vinny laughed and poured himself another drink. “Ron, you are a good hitman, not a great one, hence the new chair, but you are a terrible liar. Who did it? Tell me and I’ll set you up for your vacation.”
“You’re not going to like it”, I said, acquiescing to a refill, at Vinnie's offer.
“Well, no. Obviously”, he said, replacing the lid of the decanter with a melodic clink.
We waited and I sipped in silence. I could feel him getting more and more furious. Looking at the family portrait on the wall behind Vinny, I made up my mind.
“I think you need to talk to your wife”, I said.
The shot from Vinnie's pistol rang as loud as it had the first time around. In the buzzing silence that followed I looked down at the bullet I had caught in my hand.
“Well, that’s interesting”, I said to the bullet, and then looked up to meet Vinnie's stunned gaze. He lowered the pistol slowly, mouth opening and closing in disbelief. The betrayal and hurt in his eyes surprised even me. She wasn't just a trophy to him.
“Now”, I said. “Let talk about my payment.”
