A scientist is experimenting with genetically modifying spiders. His assistant is really annoying

"Shut the fuck up, Daryl!", yelled the voice.

Daryl turned and looked at me, eyebrows so far up his forehead they met his hairline.

“Very funny Michael”, he said in a tone that suggested he didn’t actually think it was especially enjoyable.

I looked at him blankly. “Huh?”, I said

“The speaker was a nice touch. Work on that with the other techs, did you? I know you all talk about me behind my back, you know.”

I would have denied it all, but Daryl was partially right about talking about him behind his back. I’m not unkind, but Christ alive the man was infuriating. I focused on the bit I could say was untrue.

“Daryl, I didn’t put any sort of speaker anywhere. It wasn’t me.”

“Do you know what, Micheal?” said a voice from behind Daryl. “You can shut the fuck up an all!”

I took a couple of steps over to stand beside Daryl. In the case in front of him was a male Wolf Spider, that I’d nicknamed Jordan, after the Wolf of Wallstreet. The case was empty aside from the spider, and with the clear plastic construction, there was nowhere to hide a small speaker.

“Jordan?”, I breathed, feeling ridiculous.

“Jordan is a fucking stupid name if you don’t mind me saying”, said Jordan. “Actually on reflection, I don’t really care if you mind me saying or not. Do you know how long Spiders live?”

Daryl jumped into the textbook answer. “Male wolf spiders usually live for less than a year, while females can live a little longer. A lot depends on their habita—”

“Yeah, I’m gonna stop you there Daryl. Less than a year, Daryl. That was the answer to my question. Less than a shitting year. And I’m already 6 months old. I was hoping you’d get done with the experiments and release me, so I was playing dumb, but I cannot waste another second of my meagre lifespan listening to you retards.”

Daryl looked at me angrily, I think still expecting me to be all smiles for how well the joke was going, but seeing my confused expression he visibly deflated.

“Yeah, you tell him, mate!”, said a voice from the next case over. A small Funnel Weaver had chimed in. “We all want to get the hell out of here. No offence to you and the dried food you keep giving us, but I need to catch something juicy soon, or I’m gonna lose my marbles.”

“Funnel Weavers live a lot longer than Wolf Spiders”, said Daryl in a daydreamish tone. I think the funnel weaver wasn’t the only one at risk of losing his marbles.

“The what?”, said Jordan. “You telling me, you came up with the plan to ‘wait them out and you had more time to play with, Sigourney.”

“Don’t call me that”, said the weaver I had called Sigourney. “It's worse than Jordan. And don’t listen to them, they are trying to drive a wedge between us.”

I looked back and forth like a tennis fan as the spiders argued.

“Spiders are solitary creatures by nature Sigourney!”, Jordan shouted. “And that idiot Daryl is not thinking about how to tactically break up the spider alliance he just found out about, now is he?”

“Are you even a spider?”, retorted Sigourney. “You literally don’t spin a web? Even that culturally appropriated twat Spiderman spins webs. You’re less of a Spider than a human comic book character.”

“OH, I’m ALL spider! You spin a web over here and I’ll show you first hand you funnel hiding little bitch!”

“Guys!” I said, trying to break the flow of the argument. “Can we start over? This is a pretty crazy twist on the research I’m doing here. I knew you were getting smarter, but this is…unexpected.”

“Unexpected for you and Daryl maybe. Because you’re idiots”, said Jordan, voice still raised from the shouting match with Sigourney.

“Well, this has never happened in human, or spider history so I doubt anyone expected it. And you’re currently in a cage fitted with an incineration device. So, I’d pipe down if I were you.”

Jordan tapped his mandibles together thoughtfully. “Interesting. You’re not as dumb as that one then”, he said indicating the now catatonic Daryl with a wave of a leg.

I was buoyed by even that faintest of praise. “No, thankfully. Now. You want out?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I want a world-class research paper and potential tenure. I think there is a fair chance Daryl is having a breakdown, or close enough to get rid of him, which is a good start.”

I went to pick up Sigourney and brought his case over to be next to Jordan’s. The two spiders did a little drumming dance to each other and then turned back to me.

“Me and Sig have talked it over”, said Jordan. “We are prepared to listen to your proposal”.

I checked again on the senseless Daryl, and happy he was in no fit state to be part of the negotiations, I began to spin the web of lies I wanted the spiders to help me create.