Highway to Hell

The A/C doesn’t work, and I need the toilet. We’ve been on this highway for what feels like forever and it’s making me car sick. The demon in the driver's seat does not look like stopping.

“How much longer until we get to Hell?”

“What do you mean? We’re already here.”

“What?! Where is all the fire and brimstone and…..and fire?”

The demon shrugged. “Dunno, chief. Hell is a many facetted beast.”

I reflected on this is for a time, silently seething at the use of the word ‘chief’. I hated that. Chief, boss, champ. All the stupid masculine phrases my Grandfather had trotted out, to mask the complete lack of fucks he gave about me.

“So, can we stop for a break?”

“No breaks in Hell, tiger.”

I decided that I’d just wet myself. No-one I know to judge me in Hell. To my surprise, nothing happened. The demon noticed my fidgeting.

“No breaks in Hell, fella. I thought I was clear on that. Some people need to be flayed. They have avoided pain their whole life for whatever reason, so that works for them. You, as it turns out, tended to seek out pain. The analysts back at HQ decided that what you needed was endless discomfort. They are normally pretty on the ball with stuff like this.”

The smell of old food wrappers from the backseat washed over me, bringing with it a fresh wave of queasiness.

“For how long?”

The demon looked at his empty wrist. “Err, until about half-past I don’t know. Look they don’t tell me anything, champ. Depends on what you done. Some people just a few hours. Them that did minor stuff like following the wrong church or whatever.”

“Which one was the right one?” I asked.

“Not the one you would have thought, that’s all I’m saying. God was pretty upset as it turns out, with all the various pageantry you all added around the basics. He does like the songs though. My boss is actually behind one of the big ones. It’s doing pretty well at the minute, really helping our quotas down here. The quick turn, religious heretics are where we make the best returns.”

“I’m not religious, really”, I replied.

“Oh, well could be any number of things. You didn’t develop a loot box scheme did you?”. The demon looked worried.

I shook my head, and the demon visibly exhaled.“Thank God for that!” He laughed. “Sorry, just a little joke. I assume that means you hate light banter? Looks like I’m in for a chatty session! Yeah anyway, those guys are down here for a loooooong time. And no offence, but your Hell is not where I want to spend the next 500 years.”

My bladder ached, the car droned on, the Demon droned with it.