Stepping back into my flat, I was met by a cloud of billowing smoke, with a voice bellowing from within it.
“WHO DARES CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF A DEMON SOUL!”
A few months ago, even a few hours ago, I would have been terrified. At this point, however, I had reached the end of my tether with the positioning and theatrics, so I simply wafted the smoke away and pointed at the slightly surprised looking red-skinned weightlifter that was apparently creating it.
“This smell better come out of my carpets. I claim ownership and you want it back so don’t piss me about. I have not got the time, in a very literal sense.”
The Demon drew himself up and prepared to shout something about mere mortals presumably when Don entered the room behind me. The Demon went pink, which given his starting skin tone, I can only presume was him going pale, and snapped out of existence without another word.
I looked at Don, who shrugged.
Deealzebug was pressed back against the wall, squirming like he was hoping his shoulder blades would find a way to dig through the plasterboard.
“Dee”, I said. “What the Hell? Who was that smoky wimp? I thought you were getting your boss.”
“That was my boss, Master. He’s normally very domineering. But then….” He tailed off helplessly, pointing at Don.
“Dee, are you shaking?”
“I’m just a low-level demon. He is the Lord of the Light. What do you expect?”
“The Lord of the Light?”, I turned to Don. “Who are you? I can’t keep calling you Don if demons are going to flee from your presence. It doesn’t fit.”
There was a sound like a thousand people clicking their fingers, and a voice spoke up from behind me.
“His name is Kevin.”
I whirled back around, feeling a little dizzy, to be honest. Smoke inhalation most likely.
“Kevin Jefferson”, the voice continued.
“Hello Malphas”, ‘Kevin’ said. “I didn’t realise this was going to be a three-way discussion.”
Malphas and Kevin shook hands warily.
“Selling a soul to human is a new one on me, Malphas.”
“Yes”, replied Malphas with a glare over his shoulder at Dee. “It is a pretty unique set of circumstances. I guess it is only fitting we are both here. You know you really scared the poor supervisor that had attended. You could have given him a warning or something, Kevin.”
“Kevin?!”, I blurted out. “His name is Kevin? Don was bloody better than that! How is Kevin the name of the top angel.”
“Well”, the hulking demon answered, “for a start, he’s not an Angel. He was a human, like you. I would have thought that was apparent from looking at him.” Then to Kevin, “You haven’t explained anything to him?”
“He didn’t ask”, said Kevin. “I presumed because he had worked it out. It really didn’t occur to me that he was just a bit slow. He was in a hurry to get over here. What with the terminal illness you see.”
“Ah, I forget you humans get so motivated by mortality. Does he know where he is going after? Is that the driver?”
“I think he’s probably guessed, to be honest”
“GUYS!” I interrupted. “Can you stop talking about me like I’m not here. I’m the seller, at some point you are going to have to involve me in this little chat.” They both wordlessly turned to look at me.
“Right. That’s better. Now I have got this prime specimen here”, I said indicating the still cowering Deealzebug.
“I think we can all agree after his performance so far”, said Malphas, “that Prime is a bit of stretch.”
Kevin smiled and rolled his eyes.
“Whatever, I own a Demons soul and I understand that both of you would rather like that to be transferred to you. Malphas, I assume that you are senior enough now, given that you haven’t nearly fainted at the sight of Kevin here.”
Dee jumped in “He is the Great President of Hell! Commander of the 40 Legions and second only to Satan himself!”
Malphas nodded and replied a little more modestly. “Yes, I am the right contact for this particular discussion.”
“Right”, I said. “Good.”
I looked at Kevin again. “You want to help me out with why you are the right person for this? You are in charge of Heaven.”
“No, no, no”, he said. “God is the leader of Heaven and all related enterprises. I am just…, well I guess I am the CEO, as I was on Earth, to Gods Chairman of the Board. When I got to Heaven it was not especially well run, and I have managed to significantly increase both efficiency and effectiveness. God recognised my talents, and allowed me my role.”
I looked back at Malphas. “So did you go do an MBA?”
He looked puzzled. “No, why do you ask?”
“Well I imagine you’ve got a lot of CEO’s down there, how come you are still in the hot seat, if you pardon the pun.”
Malphas laughed. “The type of business leaders that end up with us would be very dangerous to allow into positions of authority. Frankly, we are always amazed and little grateful that you humans allow them such power.”
I thought about this for a second. “Well. Shit. That does explain a fair bit about how things are going in 2020.”
Malphas looked smug.
“Yes, Hell is pursuing an aggressive growth strategy, this quarter”, said Kevin wryly. “Now. You are, as you said, an important part of this situation. How would you like to proceed?”
My mind freewheeled. To be honest I hadn’t really thought past this point.
