“So that’s it, you’re all set!”, said Jack from the animal shelter. I had the strange impression that he was trying to avoid making eye contact with the dog. “Have you, um, decided what you are going to call him?”
“I was thinking, Mr Cooper”, I said. “After my favourite teacher.”
“ZEUS”, said a voice that sounded nothing like Jack.
“I’m sorry, what?”, I said.
“Oh. Um. We called him Zeus”, said Jack, now sounding very much like himself again. “But you call him what you think works for you. But maybe just decide in the car on the way home.” He paused and smiled expectantly. I didn’t know what he was expecting until he cleared his throat. “Anyway”, he said. “I’ve got a lot on. Lots of people are looking to adopt for the company in lockdown, so….”
“Right. Sure. Of course”, I said and picked up the dog carrier. “Come on Mr Cooper!”, I said cheerfully, turning to leave.
“ZEUS!”, said angry voice Jack again.
I laughed. “OK Jack, I get you like the name. Did you come up with it?”
He shook his head forcefully. “Nope. That name came from somewhere else.”
I couldn’t think of anything to break the awkward silence that followed, so I just backed out of the room, and headed for my car.
Mr Cooper slept in the car on the way home, and I was starting to forget all the weirdness and look forward to the perfect bond I was going to have with my new dog as I carried him into my apartment, and placed him on his new bed.
“There you go, Mr Cooper. Such a cute little boy.”
I smiled to myself. I’d always wanted a Dachshund, and finally, my perfect little pet was here in my admittedly not perfect apartment. I knew toilet training was going to be a pain in my ass. The lift basically never worked, but I figured he’d always stay small so I could just carry him if I needed to. Mr Cooper stretched his diminutive legs as he woke up.
“You’re going to stay little aren’t you, Coops?”
“It’s Zeus”, said Mr Cooper.
“AHHH!”, I screamed and sat back down hard.
Mr Cooper advanced on me. It was not especially menacing given his stature, but in my defence, I was pretty off balance and I cowered.
“That’s better, mortal!”, said Mr Cooper. “I’ve not been getting a lot of respect the last few days since that steel collar carrying buffoon snagged me. This is a lot more like it.”
“Who…. Who are you?”, I asked my small dog.
“Zeus? Look I feel like we’ve been over this enough times, and that prick Jack told you as well. My name is Zeus.”
“Like the god?”, I asked.
“No”, he answered.
I gaped in bemusement. “So…”
“Not like the God. I am the God.” Zeus puffed out his chest, which was incredibly adorable, and I couldn’t help myself.
“Awww”, I said.
“DO NOT MOCK ME MORTAL”, shouted Zeus. Even with his tiny form, his power glowed from every pore. The room seemed to darken, as though the light itself was too scared to hang around. I cowered once more.
“Sorry, sorry. It’s just my first time meeting a God, let alone one so…”, I let that tail off. I didn’t think he’d want to be called cute.
“I have that effect, Mortal. Now, find me some sustenance!”, he ordered.
I nodded and jumped up to get one of the high protein wet food pouches I’d bought and stick it in a bowl. While I pottered, I tried to make small talk.
“So”, I said. “What brings you to this part of the world, and as a dog?”
He looked up from licking himself, guiltily. “Sorry, forget you saw that. I was looking for some peasant wench ass, to be honest. Don’t tell my wife. About that, or the licking.”
“As a Dachshund?”
“The sausage dog. I thought it was funny. I’ve hit on more with less, let me tell you, mortal!”
“It’s Chris”, I replied.
“I don’t care what your name is, human.”
“Rude”, I said under my breath and put the bowl down in front of him.
“What, and allow me to use your modern language on this one, the FUCK is this?”, said Zeus. I felt the light start to retreat again.
“It’s top of the line. High protein, no grains. The woman at the store said it was the best food you can buy!”
“It’s slop. I wouldn’t feed this to my dog!” Zeus paused for a moment. “Oh. Right, I see. You’re still confused. I’m not a dog that thinks its Zeus. I. AM. A. GOD!”
“But I don’t have any God Food!”, I protested.
Zeus looked around. “Well, I’m surprised you have any food, looking at the state of this hovel. What do you eat?”
“Taco Bell?”
“Is that good?”
“Not for do—“, I caught myself before I finished. “Not for Gods, no. I think we will have to go out.”
“Excellent”, said Zeus, his tail wagging eagerly. “You can help me with my search for sexual release as well!”
I tried not to grimace. “You think a woman is going to bed you? Like this?”
He nodded, tail wagging harder. “You’re me damn right! I’ve done it as a swan, a bull, a cuckoo. Even a golden shower!”
“Ewww”, I said. “Golden Shower?”
“Yes. Leda was captivated by that metal, as so many of you humans are.”
“Oh. Sure”, I said quickly. “You mean a shower of gold. Not the other golden shower.”
“You’ve seen a lot of other golden showers, have you, mortal?” asked Zeus incredulously.
“One more than I’d like”, I remembered with a shudder. “Anyway, what do you want to eat, before you hit on girls as a 6-inch high dog?”
Zeus licked his lips. “Lamb. Roast lamb always gets my blood up.”
“OK. Let’s go”, I said and opened the door. I wasn’t sure what I was looking forward to more. Him trying to get down the stairs, or try chat-up lines from shin level.
“Watch and learn, mortal”, said Zeus, adorably waddling into the hall.
I mouthed ‘aww’ silently.
“I HEARD THAT!”, said the Dachshund.
